Bahay (Home)
By Jamie Berberich
The familiar smell of sizzling pork fat delighted Ruby, which was something that hadn’t happened since she got serious with Lucas three years ago. Just like when she was in high school, she helped her mother chop the onions, tomatoes, long beans, okra, eggplant, calabaza, and bitter melon, while the pork was slowly cooking in her family’s old, large pot. Once everything was in the pot, the aroma of dinner filled the kitchen, now blended with fish sauce and the layered smell of vegetables that made Lucas smother his nose in the fabric of his t-shirt. The first time he did it, Ruby laughed and waved her bowl in front of his face. The third time made her dump the leftovers.
In between her stirring, Ruby’s eyes scanned the kitchen she used to spend so much time in. Everything looked the same. The floral-patterned table runner across their aged mahogany kitchen table. The various photos of her, her sister, and her grandparents above the desk that was tucked into the corner. The tiered fruit basket that was always filled with Asian pears, papayas, bananas, and mangoes. She stirred the meat and vegetables again, as it was crucial to make sure the heat was evenly distributed and the juices covered every inch of food in the pot. The rice maker finally went off, and steam wafted into the air when Ruby’s mother opened the lid. The sweet but almost gluey aroma of the jasmine rice bathed her in comfort.
Just as Ruby set out plates and silverware to finally taste the dish that reminded her the most of home, she heard the front door open and keys clatter against the console table. She had been dreading this moment since she arrived that morning and froze in place when she heard “Ooh, do I smell pinakbet?” before her younger sister Genevieve walked into the kitchen.
“Oh, Ruby, you’re home.”
Genevieve’s purple Jansport backpack had been traded in for a tan leather shoulder bag. Powder on the center of her face had been upgraded to a little of everything, and Ruby hadn’t been there to teach her.
Ruby slowly inched closer to the kitchen table. She tried squeezing the sudden tingling sensation out of her hands. “Yeah,” she said. “It’s really good to see you, Gen.”
“Is Lucas here too?”
“No, I uh-”
“Genevieve, why don’t you come sit down and eat with us,” their mother interrupted. “I’ll make you a plate.”
Ruby took a seat next to her mother and across from her sister. Her appetite disappeared, but she wasn’t one to waste food. As she could feel Genevieve studying her, she forced a bite of the food she was so excited for just five minutes earlier. All of the different flavors and textures were too much for her, with every ingredient taking jabs at her taste buds and continuing to do so the whole way down her throat. With the lack of conversation and scraping silverware, every swallow seemed like it was going to come back up. She was able to stop and breathe for a moment when Genevieve tried to break the silence.
“It’s been way too long, Ruby. I’m glad you’re home.”
Ruby knew that wasn’t all Genevieve had to say.
“It’s nice that you’re able to break away from Lucas for a bit to come see us,” Genevieve continued.
“Gen, please don’t start,” Ruby spoke. There was an acrid taste in her mouth, and it wasn’t just the bitter melon in the pinakbet.
“I’m not starting anything. I’m just saying it’s nice that you’re actually making time for us.” She muttered under her breath, “And getting away from Lucas.”
“Genevieve.” Their mother shot her a look. “You two can talk about this later.”
The scrape of silverware picked up again, and Ruby was back to force-feeding herself the pinakbet and rice. The briny punch of the fish sauce was more potent than usual. The calabaza squished between her tongue and the roof of her mouth, which made her body shudder, even though that was usually her favorite part of the dish. She fidgeted in her chair from Genevieve shooting daggers at her rather than eating the food their mother plated for her; Ruby didn’t want to be the kind of person that stayed silent anymore.
“I’m not defending anything he’s done, but Gen, you don’t know the full story. And it’s not fair for you to attack me for things you know nothing about.”
“What’s not fair is how many nights Mom has spent worrying about you whenever you call us crying about a fight with Lucas.”
Their mother stared off and refused to side with either daughter now.
“Then we’d both try to call you back the next day to check on you, ask how you were doing, and offer you a place to stay if you needed it. All we’d get back is a text saying, ‘everything’s okay now, I’ll talk you guys soon,’ and then never hear from you until your next fight with him. What’s not fair is that you only come back into our lives when it’s convenient for you. You’ve been so selfish.”
***
After wanting to spend a Friday night with her friends for her twenty-first birthday, Lucas called Ruby selfish. She tried to let him know in advance, so he’d have time to think it over, and it was okay at first. But as the date came closer, he found excuses for her not to go. They were always together, but he claimed he never got to see her and wondered why she wasn’t upset about that. She told him that she felt like they spent a lot of time together and that she was grateful for it, but she wanted to see her friends. She had barely seen them since she and Lucas moved out of the dorms. They cleared their schedules for her, but, in the end, she cancelled on them.
With Lucas knocked out on the couch, she sat up in her bed with a book she had been trying to read for weeks: Colette’s The Vagabond. She hadn’t been able to get through the first chapter. She placed the book on her lap and thought about what Lucas had said to her. He’d asked if he wasn’t enough. He did everything for her, and she hated that he felt that way. He was enough. She loved him, and she needed him.
Maybe I am being selfish, she thought.
***
“Gen, I promise it’s not like that. There’s a lot you don’t know.”
She didn’t mean to, but Ruby started to cry. She pressed her shaking palms into her eyes as if to force her tears back into the ducts. Still not looking at her family, she spoke, “I’m so sorry that I hurt you guys. I thought I had everything under control, but it got to be too much.”
Genevieve stared at the center of the dinner table now, her fork still in hand, pointed down at her plate as if ready to jam it into an unsuspecting chunk of pork.
“But I’m here now, and I want to fix everything. Gen, I already told Mom everything this morning, but I’ll explain everything to you, if you’ll let me. I get it if you don’t want to hear it.” The three of them sat quietly for a moment, until Ruby got up from her seat. “If you do want to talk, I’ll be up in my room. There’s still some things I need to figure out.”
Once she heard the door upstairs shut, their mother spoke up again. “Genevieve, please listen to her.” She placed her wrinkled and overworked but comforting hands over Genevieve’s. “Your sister has been through a lot. I’m so thankful to have had you here at home with me, but you don’t have to be upset with her over me.” She gently squeezed her youngest daughter’s hands and looked her in the eyes. “A lot has happened between all three of us, but it will make more sense once you two talk. I’ve forgiven her, and I know you can too.”
Genevieve’s face softened, and she nodded at her mother.
***
As soon as Lucas walked through the door, he kicked his shoes off to the side and flung his duffel bag next to them. “I kicked Nathan’s ass on the court. You should’ve seen it, babe.” He pushed past a few takeout containers to grab a Gatorade from the back of the mini-fridge and after chugging half of it sat next to Ruby on the couch.
Ruby didn’t respond. It wasn’t out of anger or spite. She was figuring out how to say what she was about to say so that he wouldn’t be the angry or spiteful one. She picked at the button sewn into the middle of the olive colored velvet pillow on their couch. She didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, but after a long and stressful week, that night hurt her. He was still ranting about how he won by however many points and that even though Nathan was totally trying to cheat, he still beat him. But she was still picking at that button as she carefully chose her words.
Am I overreacting? she thought.
“Lucas,” Ruby finally spoke up.
He snapped out of his victory speech and finally noticed that Ruby’s eyelids were red and puffy. “Babe, what’s wrong?”
“You forgot about tonight.”
“Oh right, movie night.” Lucas spoke in a detached manner. “How come you didn’t remind me this morning? You always do.”
“Well, you told me last night that you wanted to pick the movie this time. I didn’t think you’d forget about it in the morning.” Ruby made sure to speak in a lighter tone. “Plus, I texted you when I got back and again when I asked what time you were coming home.”
“Come on, you know how forgetful I am. Just text me next time. It’s no big deal.”
She stopped picking at the pillow. “I know, I’m sorry.”
“Why were you crying?” Ruby noticed his arms were folded, and her heartbeat quickened in pace.
“Huh?”
“Your eyes are red.” His tone was indifferent.
“I’ve just been having trouble with class this week, and I was looking forward to tonight. But you’re right, it’s no big deal. I promise I’ll text you next time.”
Please drop it.
“No big deal? You’ve already made a big deal out of it.”
No, no, no.
“No, Lucas, it’s okay, honestly. I don’t even know why I cried about it. I promise it’s fine.”
“I walk in and see that you’ve been crying. Because of me. Do you know how that makes me feel?”
“No, but it’s okay. I’m really okay. I didn’t even mean for you to see me like this. I thought the redness would’ve calmed down by now.”
“Seeing you like this makes me feel awful. Like I’m failing as a boyfriend.” He turned away from her, and Ruby felt it happening again, but she couldn’t help but feel like it was her fault.
“Why are you even with me?” he asked.
“You’re not failing as a boyfriend. I think you’re a great boyfriend, and I love you. That’s why I’m with you.” She rested her head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry I brought it up.”
I’m overreacting. He does care. I know he does.
“We’ll watch a movie another time. Just don’t forget to text me, okay?” He let out a forced laugh and wrapped her upper body in his arms.
***
Ruby’s bedroom looked exactly the same as it did in high school, which was her intention. After she graduated high school, she wanted her room to feel like home whenever she visited from university. All her stuffed animals took over her queen-sized bed, and the walls were still covered from floor to ceiling in boyband, anime, and 80s hair band posters. When she visited, she wanted to wake up in her bed and pretend she was still in high school. It was so refreshing to be surrounded by clutter and personality. The apartment she shared with Lucas was so violently barren compared to the dorms and her room at home. She understood that with their struggling college student budget that it wouldn’t be anything extravagant, and she was grateful to be able to have an apartment, but it’s lack of warmth and identity suffocated her the same way Lucas did.
The empty and sterile white walls would keep her up at night, while Lucas would stretch out and doze off in minutes, leaving little room for the nighttime chats they used to have. She’d stare into the mess of the popcorn ceilings, staring long enough to where it would appear to be moving against the bluish-white glow from the nightlight on her side of the room. After five seconds, it became waves rippling above her. After ten seconds, the popcorn specs vibrated and sparkled like television static, creating small blurred spots until she finally had to blink. She’d spend the last moments of her day under a popcorn ceiling that tried to be everything but a popcorn ceiling, trying to convince herself of her own happiness.
Being at home reminded her of when she was her true self. She was someone that was so immersed in her family’s traditions, spent hours making music playlists or learning a new hobby, texted the people closest to her when something reminded her of them, and someone that was unapologetically herself. She came home to try to return to that part of her life but, most importantly, to make amends with the family she abandoned.
***
During the week of finals, Lucas and Ruby got into another fight. Lucas wasn’t able to get time off from work in order to travel across the country and spend the holidays with Ruby and her family.
“Lucas, they’ll understand why you can’t come. It’s for work.” Ruby tried to breathe through the stuffing in her lungs and kept her hands balled into fists to keep them from trembling.
“This was supposed to be my first time meeting them. I’ll make such a bad impression for not showing up,” Lucas explained.
“It’ll be fine. We can call them and tell them beforehand, and when I go, I’ll-”
“You’re still going?”
“I’m not going to miss out on the holidays with my family.”
“If I’m not there with you, I’ll look bad. It’ll be like I abandoned you.”
“What? No, it won’t. They’re not going to judge you from this one-”
“And you’re actually planning on making me spend Christmas alone? It’s the first Christmas in our new place.”
“That’s not my intention!” Ruby hoped it wouldn’t come to this. “I thought it would be like the plans we had before. We’d have our own little thing with just the two of us, and then, we’d go to my mom’s house on the 24th. We can still do that now. I’ll just be going home alone.”
“Baby, come on. We can’t spend Christmas apart.” Lucas pulled Ruby onto his lap on the couch. “I need you here.”
“I’ll only be gone for a few days. I’ll facetime you at midnight when everyone opens the presents. It’ll be like you’re here with us. And you can see them open what we got them.”
“Please, Ruby, you can’t. You can’t leave me here.”
Ruby winced at his words. She promised herself she wouldn’t let him do this again. He couldn’t keep guilt-tripping her into doing whatever he wanted.
“What about your brother, Nick? Isn’t he like half an hour away? I’m sure he’d let you visit with him and his family.”
“No, you know we’re always fighting.” He took Ruby’s hands into his own and pleaded, “Please, Ruby. Stay here with me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
Ruby was tired of arguing with him, but she was mostly afraid of what he’d do if she left.
“I’ll call my mom and tell her we can’t make it. I’ll mail everyone’s gifts.”
“I love you so much, Ruby.”
“I love you too.”
Their fight that night wasn’t as bad as Ruby expected but only because she gave up. Ruby no longer had the energy to argue over how they spent their time. It was much easier to just give in to what Lucas wanted. She was slowly losing herself and control over her own life, but she felt that she had done this to herself. When she would call her sister and ask for her advice, Genevieve always voiced her opinions about Lucas, saying it sounded like he was manipulative. That word angered Ruby in the beginning. She couldn’t wait to experience life in college away from home, with her life under her own control. She refused to believe that Lucas was manipulative and controlling.
She would tell herself, I have everything under control.
Then, during her last year of college and after three years of being with Lucas, she faced the fact that Genevieve might have been right, and not only was she losing control over her own life, she was losing her family too. She broke the news to her mother about Christmas the next morning.
“Honey, I still don’t understand why you can’t come.” Ruby’s mother said over the phone. Ruby hadn’t been home since last Christmas and barely even called her family anymore.
“Lucas isn’t able to take enough time off work to be able to come to our house or his own. I can’t just leave him by himself for the holidays.” Ruby didn’t know what else to tell her mother. She really couldn’t leave him by himself.
“Ruby, we understand why he can’t come, but you can still visit. And you’ve planned on seeing his family next Christmas. When can we see you?”
“Mom, I promise I’ll make time to come home another time.”
]“Alright.” There was an air of defeat in her voice. “Are you two still doing okay? Last time you called, you seemed really upset about that fight you had.”
“Yes, mom. We’re okay. I’m really sorry I can’t make it this year.”
“Don’t worry about it, honey. As long as you’re happy.”
“I am happy.” Her voice was hollow, yet the words spilled out quickly, desperately wanting to feign passion and happiness.
Once they said their goodbyes and hung up, Ruby sat alone in their bare apartment waiting for Lucas to come home. Ever since they moved out of the dorms, Ruby realized that most of the people she hung out with were Lucas’ friends. Since she and Lucas were attached at the hip most of the time, she and the few friends she had had drifted apart once she and Lucas settled into their modest living space.
***
The door to Ruby’s bedroom creaked and a more forgiving Genevieve came through. She was in baby pink sweats, and her hair was clipped up. With Genevieve’s red lipstick wiped off, Ruby looked like the older sister again. She welcomed her baby sister onto her bed by sliding her hoard of stuffed animals to the foot of it and smoothing the wrinkles out of her comforter.
“Ruby, what really happened? I know there’s something you and Mom aren’t telling me.” Genevieve’s voice was back to her usual soothing tone. Ruby always felt comfort and safety in her words when they’d talk about things like this, even though Ruby was the oldest. “You can talk to me.”
“I just didn’t want to scare you.” That was only half true. “And I know you never liked Lucas.”
“That doesn’t matter anymore. I just need to know that you’re okay.”
“I am now.” Ruby hugged the worn-out beagle plushie that she carried with her everywhere when she was four. “But if I tell you, you can’t repeat this to anyone else. I only want immediate family to know. You know how the relatives spread gossip like wildfire.”
“Okay, now you’re actually scaring me. He hit you, didn’t he?” Both her hands landed on Ruby’s crisscrossed legs, and her hazelnut irises swirled with glimmers of honey, inviting her older sister to speak her truth.
“It wasn’t anything like that, but it got pretty bad.”
“How did it get to be this bad, Ruby?”
“It was amazing at first.” Ruby leaned back against her headboard and prepared to delve into the last three years of her life. “It was everything I’d imagined love to be. There were late night phone calls, picnics on campus, and nights where we just held each other as we slept. I felt like I was floating.” She fought the smile that tugged at the corners of her mouth, licking her lips as if to reset them.
Genevieve drew closer to her big sister until their shoulders touched. It was just like when they were younger and they’d set up a fort in their shared bedroom. At eight years old, Ruby would build their fort and tell stories to five-year-old Genevieve every night. With their flashlights, a stack of picture books and graphic novels, and snacks that made them have to brush their teeth all over again, the two would spend hours after bedtime under their collection of sheets and quilts until something like a fit of giggles caused their mother to crash their party.
“We spent every waking moment together,” Ruby continued. “And I was fine with it at first. Then, when I started getting back into the swing of things, like school, clubs, and my other friends, he wasn’t having it. It was like, once he wasn’t the center of my attention anymore, he couldn’t handle it, and he changed.
“But I just couldn’t leave. I didn’t know how. It was easier to stay instead of dealing with the conversation of our breakup going in circles, Lucas refusing responsibility, and him blaming me for everything. Pushing him away would’ve meant pushing away the only person I had left. I pushed my friends away. I pushed you and Mom away. I had only been making time for him. Even when we weren’t getting along, he insisted on being together, either sitting in silence or screaming at each other.” Ruby’s lips pressed together to suffocate the shivering breaths trying to escape and swallowed them back down.
“When did it click for you? That this wasn’t normal.” Genevieve finally broke her silence. She’d just been listening and allowing her sister to let it all out.
“Whenever I wanted to do something I liked, he told me it took away our together time. He even went so far as to offer to limit his nights out with the boys, which at the time didn’t seem that bad. I finally caught on and realized it was just a tactic to get me to feel like I owed him, and it worked. I spent all my free time with him, whether we went to the gym or the library to study for classes we didn’t even have together.” Ruby took a breath to collect herself, and Genevieve rubbed her arm. Saying it all out loud forced all of Ruby’s darkest emotions out like a tidal wave, leaving behind moistened under eyes and wreckage of the last few years of her life.
“I didn’t know who I was anymore, and I truly believed that leaving Lucas would force me to realize that. That without him I’d have nothing. Be nothing.”
***
She only wanted to talk that night. They needed to find a way to compromise without hurting each other, and Ruby thought she could explain that to him.
“Lucas, please, I’m not trying to hurt you. You know I would never hurt you.”
Their voices were calm, but there was a violent tension in the air as Ruby was the only one expressing any emotion. Ruby’s hands were on her head, and tears clouded her vision. Lucas leaned up against the wall near their bed, and Ruby sat cross-legged on her side of it. He stared at her spot on the bed but avoided her eyes. His own were dull and detached, with a hint of smoke seeping from the blue-gray stones of his eyes.
“I just don’t understand what the problem is, Ruby. I give you everything. What more do you want?”
“I just want to be my own person again. We’re together every minute of the day.”
“So, what, you’re sick of me?” Lucas raised his voice, and Ruby hugged her knees to her chest, compressing her body to the size of the collected pillows surrounding her and wanting to disappear into the pile of bedding.
“No, I-. God, I don’t know what else to do, Lucas.” She pushed out an exhausted breath. “Maybe we should just break up.”
“What?” Lucas quickly sat down on the bed next to her. He took Ruby’s wrists in his hands and pulled them to his chest. “You can’t leave me, Ruby. I can’t live without you.”
Don’t listen to him.
“No, Lucas. It’s better for us both. This isn’t healthy.” Her wrists were still gripped by hands twice the size of hers, so she made sure not to panic and make everything worse. “You can keep the apartment, and I’ll find another place. We can still hang out as friends, but we’re not meant to be together.”
“No, Ruby, you can’t.” Lucas forced out loud sobs, and Ruby’s foundation was streaked with tears, and the redness of her skin below striped her cheeks.
“Lucas, I’ll always love you, but-”
“If you leave me, I’ll kill myself. I’ll take my belt and hang myself from the fucking ceiling fan. Is that what you want? Huh?” He jerked her wrists harder into his chest, and his face was inches away from hers.
“No, I-.” Ruby paused when she saw the darkness behind Lucas’ eyes. He was either completely serious about taking his own life or making it up to manipulate her into staying. Either way, she knew she had to be careful about what came out of her mouth next. “If you promise to give me some space, we can stay together, okay? I love you so much, Lucas. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
A wave of relief washed over her, but it was mostly anger that scorched her insides over the fact that that had actually worked.
He knows exactly what he’s doing.
She was in utter disbelief that someone who claimed to love her with everything he had was capable of doing something like this. But she still loved him, and she feared that there was still a chance that he meant what he said.
I can’t just leave him, but I need to get out of here.
Her heart thumped so aggressively against her chest when he pulled her into his arms that she was sure he could hear it. A smirk tugged at his lips, but Lucas attempted to conceal it.
“I knew you loved me. I love you so much, Ruby. You’re my everything.”
Ruby settled into his embrace, even though the heat that exhausted from his grip lingered on her wrists.
***
“That was last night, and Lucas fell asleep with his arms around me,” Ruby began. “I didn’t fall asleep until five a.m.. Once he left for work, I drove to his brother’s place and tried to explain everything. He promised he’d check on him. I know I should have left sooner, Gen, but I was so scared.”
“This wasn’t your fault, Ruby. I know I always gave you such a hard time, but I had no idea how bad it was. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that alone.”
“It was my fault though. You told me you didn’t like him, and I moved in with him when I knew we were having problems. I just wanted it to work so badly, and I hurt you and Mom too. I was so stupid to think that we could-”
“Damn it, Ruby, listen to me. You don’t have to be like that with us. We’re nothing like him. Yeah, you were shit for never calling us, but you don’t owe us anything more than you being here with us again. Mom and I know you love us and that this was awful for you to go through.” Genevieve took Ruby’s hands gently. “We can go back to the way it was before. You can take control of your life again. And if you need me, I’ll be here.”
***
Later that night, the girls and their mother were gathered around the round wooden table in the middle of the family room.
“You know what, don’t even talk to me!” Genevieve blurted out.
“Oh, come on, Gen. You know I won the points fair and square. I started singing first!”
They both turned to their mother to referee the game. Spontuneous was always a heated game, especially in a Filipino household.
“Ruby got it this time. Genevieve, ikaw ay pikon.”
“A sore loser?!” Genevieve scoffed while Ruby laughed and moved her piece further along on the board. “Whatever, my word is ‘stand.’”
Genevieve flipped the hourglass over, and Ruby and her mother sat quietly for a moment.
“Oh girl, you stand by me. I’m forever yours, faithfully!” their mother half yelled, half sang.
“Mom’s got it.” Ruby noted, while their mother moved her piece to the end of the board.
“Ha! I won again!” their mother shouted and flicked her little red pawn in her daughters’ direction.
“That’s mine and Andrew’s song,” Genevieve said and smiled.
“Andrew?” Ruby asked.
“My boyfriend. We’ve been together for the last year.”
“Oh. I must’ve missed that.” Ruby went quiet, and Genevieve noticed the layer of shame that veiled her face.
“Don’t worry about it, Ruby. I’ll tell you all about him.”
Ruby smiled softly and spoke, “Loser cleans up.”
“We both lost,” Genevieve argued.
“Yeah, but I’m still farther ahead on the board than you.”
The doorbell rang, and Genevieve shot up from her spot on the floor and yelled, “I got it!”
Ruby started cleaning up the game and the spilled popcorn until she heard her sister say, “What the hell are you doing here?”
She ran towards the front of the house and found Lucas in the doorway.
This can’t be happening.
His extinguished eyes refused to leave Ruby’s face; the dimpled smile he would flash in her presence was gone, as was her ability to read him. His shoulders took up most of the width of the door frame, which Ruby swore cracked when he leaned against it.
“Lucas” was all Ruby could say. Genevieve stayed by her side.
“Can I come in?”
Oh God, look at him.
He must have come straight from Nick’s in the pajamas he was wearing. The wrinkles and dog hair that textured his navy blue, cotton sweats and loosely fitted white tank were accompanied by the soft curls Ruby missed running her fingers through whenever they settled in her freshman dorm to watch a movie.
No. I can’t let him in.
“We can talk another time. I just want some space and time with my family.”
“I get that, but I really need to talk to you.” He glanced down at his shoes. “I’ve been calling and texting you.”
“I left my phone in my suitcase.” Silence ensued, and the three of them stood in the doorway, not moving. Genevieve began to speak but was interrupted by Lucas.
“I know you called my brother. We talked, and it’s a lot better between us. I’d really like to thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Goodbye.” Genevieve motioned to shut the door, but Lucas stuck his hand out.
“Gen, right? I know Ruby must’ve told you everything, and I’d like to apologize to you both.” Genevieve looked at Ruby with her eyebrows raised.
“I got it, Gen. Thank you.”
Genevieve didn’t even twitch. Her feet stayed planted on the ground right next to Ruby. She scanned Lucas once more and spoke, with her eyes still fixed on him, “I’ll be upstairs if you need me.”
Once Genevieve was upstairs with their mother, Ruby led Lucas to the kitchen, and they sat across from each other at the kitchen table that was now cleared of food and familial strain.
“Thank you for giving me the chance to make it up to you.”
“Lucas, I just want to get this handled, and then, whenever it’s fine with you, I’ll get my stuff from the apartment.”
“You don’t have to move out. I mean, you said last night we could still be friends if we broke up. I wouldn’t mind.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. I appreciate the thought, but I’ll find another place.”
“Alright.” He moved to the seat next to Ruby. “So, yeah. Nick and I talked, and things are a lot better now. I’m staying with him and his wife for Christmas. I’ve calmed down a lot since last night, so you don’t have to worry about me.”
“That’s good. I’m happy for you.” She smiled at the only person who’d had her heart. Her first kiss. Her first everything.
“I knew you would be. You’ve always tried to be there for me, and I’m sorry I ever took that for granted.”
“It’s okay, Lucas. I just want you to be happy.”
“I know. And I know you just want to be friends, but you make me a better person. I need you. And I’ll be a better person for you.”
What if he has changed? Could we make it work?
“We’ve been through so much,” Lucas continued. “I put you through a lot, but I’ll make it up to you. We need each other. We’d be so good together now.” He took her hands in his once again, but Ruby didn’t know how to react to his touch anymore. She didn’t jerk her hands away, but they laid rather stiffly and uncomfortably in his, like they didn’t fit anymore. He smiled at her and caressed her hands with his thumbs.
I can’t miss you, but I do.
Ruby looked up at the walls above the desk again, spending extra time focusing on the photo of her and Genevieve. They had given each other complete makeovers with their mother’s clothes and makeup while she was downstairs cooking. Eyeshadow was smudged from lash line to eyebrow, eyeliner was drawn to look like little squiggles, and red lipstick formed cloudlike ovals around their mouths. The walls were filled with those kinds of photographs, and all sorts of vases and baskets from the Philippines lined the tops of the cabinets. The smell of calabaza and fish sauce lingered in the kitchen, even after all the food was put away, and all the dishes were washed. Ruby couldn’t stand the thought of deserting her home again. She studied a photo of Genevieve and her friends from the junior prom. She couldn’t stand the thought of missing out on more of Genevieve’s life.
“Lucas,” Ruby began gently. “I will always love you, and believe me, I am so happy that you’re okay and that you’ve worked things out with your brother. But I can’t do this anymore. I feel like a stranger in my own home. I need to change that, and being with you wouldn’t make it any easier.”
“Ruby, please. I love you. I need you to-”
“No, Lucas, listen to me. We just can’t. I can’t. I don’t know if you mean to act this way or if it’s just the way things are with you, but it won’t work between us. I’m sorry, but you need to go.”
His chair screeched against the tile as he pushed himself away from the table. He made it to the arch separating the kitchen from the front of the house and turned to Ruby.
“Your shit better be out of my place by the time I’m back from my brother’s.”
He let himself out, and Ruby remained at the table. She didn’t cry at his words or the loss of her first love. She couldn’t. His words validated her gut feeling in that moment. He had never been so open about the bitterness that stained his heart until his smooth words of manipulation stopped working on her. This was exactly what she needed to hear to finally let him go.
After several full breaths and more observations of the photos on the walls, Ruby made her way up the stairs and found herself at Genevieve’s door.
“You okay?” Genevieve asked.
“I think I am actually. But… I almost took him back, Gen.” Ruby took a seat on her bed this time.
“But you didn’t, and that’s the important part. People like him are good at what they do. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself. I love you.”
“I love you too, Gen.” She hugged her baby sister so tightly and never wanted to let go, until a thought popped into her head. “So,” Ruby said with a wry smile, “tell me more about this Andrew kid, so I can decide if there’s an ass that needs to be kicked.”
Jamie Berberich
9/27/2020
Some of the best advice I received from my professors at UC Davis includes writing what you know and writing what you want to read. Growing up, I hardly ever saw or read about Filipino characters or characters that looked like me in books and movies, and I’m sure many BIPOC have been isolated in that way as well. As a result, I started with my own background in “Bahay” as a way to write what I know and what I want to read. I ended up being inspired to continue to do so in the future, and I encourage my fellow writers to do the same.
Domestic violence and all forms of abuse are often taboo topics that either don’t reach the spotlight or are romanticized when they reach mainstream media, which is why I chose to write about it. With “Bahay,” I wanted to rewrite that narrative in a way that showcased the main character’s struggle in deciding to stay or leave, along with the aftermath in other aspects of her life. I would like to see more literature highlight these topics, along with other stigmatized issues like mental health, which I hope I have done respectfully while writing this story.
Cover art by Dimitar Belchev
